God Help Us All

Look to my right... she’s dancing like she's playing Dance Dance Revolution and her character is a drunken moose.


How do you wash Frank’s red hot sauce, whipped cream, grape juice, and shame out of silk?


I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.


This homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what I wish for...


Question. What would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. Hypothetically.


You kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming ‘euthanized!'


Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.


Told a girl I wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt.


Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?


I puked after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.


I wanted to be an Indian when I was a child. Apparently you cannot grow up to be an Indian.


Just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a Taco Bell...I feel like that’s cheating...


This is so important. How many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?