These great questions & answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde (About fifteen minutes later): Lonelyness!
And the audience laughed for another 10 to 15 minutes.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth..
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Monday, November 9, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Another Bucket List
1. learn chinese
2. live in a foreign country for more than a year
3. skydiving (everybody says this but I really do)
4. deep sea diving
5. sail across an ocean
6. get in a fist fight and lose
7. get in a fist fight and win
8. shoot a gun at something other than a target
9. patent something
10. invent something revolutionary
11. run a marathon
12. climb a 8000+ meter mountain
13. snowboard down said mountain
14. fly a plane
15. get in a street race
16. go to jail for something
17. get Joey to stop calling me a fag
18. break away from the union
19. make my own flag
20. go to Australia
21. bike through said Australia
22. see a lion outside of a zoo
23. swim with sharks outside a cage
24. earn a million dollars
25. do something that people would put in a history book
26. read said history book and say “Hey! That’s me!!”
27. call one of my current friends in 20 years
28. find Mrs. Brown in 20 years and tell her what i really think of her
29. throw a midget
30. got to the Olympics
31. see the 7 wonders of the world
32. flip a coin and get it to land on its edge
33. say something on the news
34. do a backflip
35. learn to skateboard
36. get a swiss bank account
37. get on a tv show
38. meet a famous person and become friends
39. kill Edward Cullen
40. drive a sports car
41. crash said sports car
42. run away from said sports car wreck
43. set a world record
44. get in a movie
45. go surfing on one of those infinite wave machines
46. create the most comfortable chair ever
47. cut a class
48. go to college
49. go camping/be a hermit/live outside for one year
50. light a giant bonfire with a bag on nondairy creamer
51. have a car drive towards me at a high speed
52. jump on the hood of said car, and continue running over the other side
53. try parkour
54. drive 100 mph
55. finish the list of 100 things to do before I die
56. play a sport on a professional team
57. find out why everybody is making a list like this one
58. shake hands with Chuck Norris
59. get a speeding ticket
60. get a ride in Mr. Stebbins inconspicuous white van
61. make Shayna afraid of me
62. beat Greg at DDR
63. skydive with a wingsuit
64. go to a snowboard camp
65. steal a mac from the mac cart in school and never get caught
66. go on Oprah and get a humpback whale
67. go to southern china and see the giant Buddha
68. almost lose a limb/finger in an obscure accident
69. change my name to Peter Dover
70. find the license plate number and home address of all of my teachers
71. have a kid and name him Ben Dover
72. become advanced (nationally)
73. run a 5:00 mile
74. sleep through a whole school day
75. travel to every continent for at least one year
76. write a book and have people line up for me to sign it
77. learn to fly
78. make Maxx forget about the chipwhich
79. quit the track team
80. shoot a hammer
81. snowboard a super pipe
82. win a game of bingo
83. create the most awkward situation imaginable
84. *awkward turtle*
85. go into a dollar store with a 100 dollar bill
86. give a hobo a 20, and ask for change
86. get a good phone
87. show off said phone to everybody
88. have everybody be amazed by my phone
89. overcome my obsession with phones
90. become a pirate
2. live in a foreign country for more than a year
3. skydiving (everybody says this but I really do)
4. deep sea diving
5. sail across an ocean
6. get in a fist fight and lose
7. get in a fist fight and win
8. shoot a gun at something other than a target
9. patent something
10. invent something revolutionary
11. run a marathon
12. climb a 8000+ meter mountain
13. snowboard down said mountain
14. fly a plane
15. get in a street race
16. go to jail for something
17. get Joey to stop calling me a fag
18. break away from the union
19. make my own flag
20. go to Australia
21. bike through said Australia
22. see a lion outside of a zoo
23. swim with sharks outside a cage
24. earn a million dollars
25. do something that people would put in a history book
26. read said history book and say “Hey! That’s me!!”
27. call one of my current friends in 20 years
28. find Mrs. Brown in 20 years and tell her what i really think of her
29. throw a midget
30. got to the Olympics
31. see the 7 wonders of the world
32. flip a coin and get it to land on its edge
33. say something on the news
34. do a backflip
35. learn to skateboard
36. get a swiss bank account
37. get on a tv show
38. meet a famous person and become friends
39. kill Edward Cullen
40. drive a sports car
41. crash said sports car
42. run away from said sports car wreck
43. set a world record
44. get in a movie
45. go surfing on one of those infinite wave machines
46. create the most comfortable chair ever
47. cut a class
48. go to college
49. go camping/be a hermit/live outside for one year
50. light a giant bonfire with a bag on nondairy creamer
51. have a car drive towards me at a high speed
52. jump on the hood of said car, and continue running over the other side
53. try parkour
54. drive 100 mph
55. finish the list of 100 things to do before I die
56. play a sport on a professional team
57. find out why everybody is making a list like this one
58. shake hands with Chuck Norris
59. get a speeding ticket
60. get a ride in Mr. Stebbins inconspicuous white van
61. make Shayna afraid of me
62. beat Greg at DDR
63. skydive with a wingsuit
64. go to a snowboard camp
65. steal a mac from the mac cart in school and never get caught
66. go on Oprah and get a humpback whale
67. go to southern china and see the giant Buddha
68. almost lose a limb/finger in an obscure accident
69. change my name to Peter Dover
70. find the license plate number and home address of all of my teachers
71. have a kid and name him Ben Dover
72. become advanced (nationally)
73. run a 5:00 mile
74. sleep through a whole school day
75. travel to every continent for at least one year
76. write a book and have people line up for me to sign it
77. learn to fly
78. make Maxx forget about the chipwhich
79. quit the track team
80. shoot a hammer
81. snowboard a super pipe
82. win a game of bingo
83. create the most awkward situation imaginable
84. *awkward turtle*
85. go into a dollar store with a 100 dollar bill
86. give a hobo a 20, and ask for change
86. get a good phone
87. show off said phone to everybody
88. have everybody be amazed by my phone
89. overcome my obsession with phones
90. become a pirate
Twas The Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.
Except for my son Billy's pet mouse named Chris.
I'm not really sure where I'm going with this.
Anyway, my wife in her kerchief and I in my cap,
Were asleep after a long day of Christmassy crap.
When then, from the chimney, there arose quite a clamour,
"There's someone in the house" my frightened wife stammered.
I reached for the bedside, grabbed my handgun and said,
"This trespasser's getting an ass full of lead"
I crept down the stairway, and slid down the hall,
And handgun in hand, I peered 'round the wall.
The burglar wore red, and stood fat and stout,
With a large burlap sack, to hold jewelry no doubt.
Who this guy was, I just couldn't place,
For a bushy white beard covered most of his face.
Now, I'm not a bad person, I think you'd agree,
But you just don't break into a man's house, you see.
"Hey you" I said, as he spun 'round with a twitch,
"Merry Christmas, you son of a bitch!"
I fired a shot as he dove to the floor.
Through a flurry of tinsel, I fired twice more.
"Please stop!" he yelled loudly, "You don't understand"
"Stay away from my family, you disgusting old man"
With his finger on his nose, he lept with a burst,
And dashed for the fireplace, but I got there first.
I pushed the muzzle into his beard white as snow,
When suddenly a small voice behind me cried "No!"
I turned 'round and saw it was Billy, my son.
With his pet mouse in hand, he said "Put down the gun.
What are you doing? Don't you know who that is?Couldn't you tell by that red hat of his?
That's Santa Claus, dad. It's jolly Saint Nick.Now put down the gun. Come on, don't be a dick."
Billy was right, this old man meant no harm.
I holstered my gun, as he outstretched his arm.
In a flash he took the gun right out of its holder,
And fired a shot into my left shoulder.
"Goddamnit!" I cried as I fell to the floor,
While the burglar made haste toward the jewelry drawer.
"I feel kind of bad" he said, filling his sack,
"But you believe in Santa, so cut me some slack.
Maybe next time someone breaks into your house,
You won't listen to some six year old kid with a mouse."
Then he yelled, as he ran off with my bigscreen TV,
"Merry Christmas to all. Well, maybe to me!"
and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.
Except for my son Billy's pet mouse named Chris.
I'm not really sure where I'm going with this.
Anyway, my wife in her kerchief and I in my cap,
Were asleep after a long day of Christmassy crap.
When then, from the chimney, there arose quite a clamour,
"There's someone in the house" my frightened wife stammered.
I reached for the bedside, grabbed my handgun and said,
"This trespasser's getting an ass full of lead"
I crept down the stairway, and slid down the hall,
And handgun in hand, I peered 'round the wall.
The burglar wore red, and stood fat and stout,
With a large burlap sack, to hold jewelry no doubt.
Who this guy was, I just couldn't place,
For a bushy white beard covered most of his face.
Now, I'm not a bad person, I think you'd agree,
But you just don't break into a man's house, you see.
"Hey you" I said, as he spun 'round with a twitch,
"Merry Christmas, you son of a bitch!"
I fired a shot as he dove to the floor.
Through a flurry of tinsel, I fired twice more.
"Please stop!" he yelled loudly, "You don't understand"
"Stay away from my family, you disgusting old man"
With his finger on his nose, he lept with a burst,
And dashed for the fireplace, but I got there first.
I pushed the muzzle into his beard white as snow,
When suddenly a small voice behind me cried "No!"
I turned 'round and saw it was Billy, my son.
With his pet mouse in hand, he said "Put down the gun.
What are you doing? Don't you know who that is?Couldn't you tell by that red hat of his?
That's Santa Claus, dad. It's jolly Saint Nick.Now put down the gun. Come on, don't be a dick."
Billy was right, this old man meant no harm.
I holstered my gun, as he outstretched his arm.
In a flash he took the gun right out of its holder,
And fired a shot into my left shoulder.
"Goddamnit!" I cried as I fell to the floor,
While the burglar made haste toward the jewelry drawer.
"I feel kind of bad" he said, filling his sack,
"But you believe in Santa, so cut me some slack.
Maybe next time someone breaks into your house,
You won't listen to some six year old kid with a mouse."
Then he yelled, as he ran off with my bigscreen TV,
"Merry Christmas to all. Well, maybe to me!"
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Lobster Shells
There are a ton.
That time I came up with the ingenius idea of having a soap party at her house. Suds EVERYWHERE. Her whole kitchen was full of soap bubbles, it was amazing.
Eating chili on the fireplace. That was great. Our original idea was to go hang out at my apartment, but we ended up sitting on Delaney's fireplace eating tubs of homeade chili.
"Well I won't be home"
"We know your garage code, we'll steal all your food."
You guys scare me. Bt now we are ADT protected, so the alarm will go off. A.K.A. Brooke-Proof. -Delaney
ADT? Pshhh. Nothing in this world is Brooke Proof. Except lobster shells. But only lobster shells though.
That time I came up with the ingenius idea of having a soap party at her house. Suds EVERYWHERE. Her whole kitchen was full of soap bubbles, it was amazing.
Eating chili on the fireplace. That was great. Our original idea was to go hang out at my apartment, but we ended up sitting on Delaney's fireplace eating tubs of homeade chili.
"Well I won't be home"
"We know your garage code, we'll steal all your food."
You guys scare me. Bt now we are ADT protected, so the alarm will go off. A.K.A. Brooke-Proof. -Delaney
ADT? Pshhh. Nothing in this world is Brooke Proof. Except lobster shells. But only lobster shells though.
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